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Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I'm a little frustrated with blogging right now, since I let things go until I have mounds of things to say and no time or patience to say them. Although, highschool for me is officially over on Friday, and I get to celebrate by going to a banquet that night. Wahoo. I'm kind of excited, kind of apprehensive, because I'm going with Kenny, and I'm not sure if that's good or not. I just need to be careful how close I get to him, since he's not someone I could see myself being serious with. And I don't want to lead him on or tangle myself with bad emotions. I do, however, get to shop for a dress today after school, so that should be fun.:-) Well, as fun as that sort of thing is for me. And yes, I know it's a bit late. But it's ok, chinchilla feels good to be a gangster. Haha, just kidding.

So my cousins were here over the weekend, and that was happy.:-) I love them so much. I didn't get to say goodbye to them, though, since I got held up at a Memorial Day service, and that was sad. Gary also left yesterday, but I got to call him before he did, so that was fun. I just need to be his friend for his sake, not for the sake of making myself feel good. In that way, I hope to stop being kind of jealous and stuff whenever he gets closer to these otehr people, especially if I'm bothering about whether it's wise or not. I need to counsel, not judge. And if we change, well, I love him anyway. And yes, I know that's an Alice in Chains song. Just alot of stuff has been building up that I haven't let go of, and the pressure makes it hard to be happy. Today I told God that I am His, and I will live with joy and wisdom, consciously, even if I don't like what it means all the time. God's pretty cool, let me tell ya. He never did forget me. Ok, I need to go, and my hair is weird. I don't think I'll mess with makeup for this banquet. Mrs. Taylor thinks we're dating. It's scary. I hope I don't give that impression. Ok, bye!
Grace and Peace to those I love.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Alrighty then, it's hot. IT'S SO HOT I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEATSTROKE!!!! Hehe, ok, got that out.:-) It looks like I'm not going to get to Gary's after all, so now I have to write stuff inside the book I got him. It's almost perturbing, because I want to write alot, but I also want to be poignant and relevant for a long time to come. I'm also going to write a letter since I won't get to see him. It's almost a little depressing, but not too much so. I'll call him before he goes, hopefully. I downloaded Trillian, and let me tell you, it's pretty nice.:-) I'm very happy with it, so that's fun. Hm, I thought I actually had stuff to post, but I guess not. I'm going to go write in Gary's book. Oh yah, I played in church this morning, and it was nice. People liked it, and I played the song better than I have in a long time. Ok, I'm going to have a heatstroke. Bye!
Grace and peace to those I love.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Ack, the computer just got shut off by a power outage and I lost half a post. Oh well. Anyways, as I was saying, I always get kind of excited whenever there's an opportunity to do something previously deemed impossible. I think I'm going to get let down, though, but I do need to talk to Becky Deike very soon. Why do I wait to the last minute? I'm just kind of afraid that I'll have to stay here and be happy with aunt Dina and uncle John, since they're coming. I just want to go and see my best friend before he leaves for three months! I just need to let him go again. For some reason, yesterday, I felt really sentimental about him in a bad way, and I need to quit that or I will be really sad about not being able to go. He showed me his room, and it makes me laugh how much we're alike. Messy, procrastinators, flying by the seats of our pants. Yah, so I need to get that resolved soon, and figure out what I'm writing on the inside of this book I got him. And get into contact with some other friends, too. Ok, just venting a little. Bye!
Grace and peace to those I love.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

This is sad and pathetique. Oh well. Right now I'm sitting and procrastinating because I don't want to do anything. 5 days till finals, kids from G-town. And we don't have open campus again. Andy and John Jansen are getting shirts that say 'GAHS Correctional Facility' and have student ID #'s on them. Seriously, they're treating us like preschoolers, because kids have to be escorted here and there by teachers, just to make sure they don't go off campus. The teachers don't really have a break, either. Ha, on National Day of Prayer, they had open campus around lunch for people to walk over to Otterbein or First UM for prayer services, and some kids stole from the Amish/Mennonite proprietors at Wolf's! What a great testimony, guys. That's another freedom that'll be taken away, as well. Sometimes that just makes me mad. And I wish school would get done so that I could have senioritis and not care. Haha, I sound like a full-fledged public schooler. I guess it's been easier to assume that guise.
Ok, spiritually these past few weeks have been an ultra-tumble of stuff. My whole doubtish thing has quieted down, and I guess the gain from that is the fact that I'm just going to 'Try everything, keep that which is good.' Oh man, though, about a week ago yesterday, I was just so sick of how I saw myself in everything, because I had infused all that I had with the need to satisfy me, and I could get no joy from that. So I just had this time with God where I was like 'take it.' I realised that His love is the only thing worth living for, and it's the only thing assured to me, so I need to live for Him, not live for others' love. I need to do things because I love God and people, not because I want their love. It's been hard to hold to.:-) But it's worth it when I do. I especially had to do that with Gary, because I just needed to let him be my friend, not try to make him anything more. So I set him free. Then what does he go and do? He cements that freedom by doing something completely dumb. Going and making out with Greta, whenever neither of them loves the other, so it really had no point, other than the fact that he can boast about it, except he really can't do that, either. Don't worry, he's told me all this stuff himself, so it's ok that I say it.:-) I'm glad he's pretty much back on track, but he needs prayer, since Argentina is in 11 days. I'm gonna miss him so much, and now he's too busy to miss. Oh well. I'm still so glad he's my friend. It was weird, though, because I had let him go, I wasn't so angry that he had 'betrayed' me, but I was angry at what he'd done to short-change both himself and God. And other questions, but they really don't need to be voiced, since they can't really be answered and their answers are only to satisfy me.:-)
Oh yes, just to inform you, I am now valedictorian. That's just stupid. And I got my hair cut really short. It was funny. The hairdresser was like 'I could donate this!' so she did.:-) And I now have really short hair. The End.
Grace and Peace to those I love.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

My goodness. It's been two weeks. My knuckle healed nicely, I suppose. This probably isn't the best time for me to be writing in here. It's been such a day. Not a good one, not a bad one. The past few days have been like that. Actually, right now I'm feeling confused, sad, empty, and tired. Just so tired underneath my skin. So focused on me. And on how pitiful that is. But I never bother to look up. So sad. I'll show you how pathetic it is. I was sitting in my room reading about 15 minutes ago and was fuming at how I wanted to talk to someone but that someone wasn't making an effort to talk to me. I thought, 'God, how can they do this to me?'...and then I realised that I wasn't even thinking about the welfare of the person I was irritated at. I didn't even think that it may be for their betterness that they were staying away from conversing with me on IM. Yes, folks, I am about the most selfish person you'll ever see, because I've become so concerned with how things relate to me instead of how they relate to Christ. I guess I forget that Christ is seperate from my fleshly self. So many confusing things happen. Or maybe I only make them so. Ha, as Shakespeare says, 'There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes them so.' Such a battle still going on. At least I still realise it. God, why have you made our hearts so tender? Why this blessed misery, this joy like swords? Spiritually, I'm still in an odd place. Just trying to make my way up again. I had to stay home to care for my sick little brother, Jon. I guess I could have used my time more wisely. So many things are coming up now that I've only got a month left in school. I despise that. Two weeks til AP exams. Five weeks til Gary leaves. Lots of weeks til I leave. And I flunked that silly test today. I don't know why that bothers me. Why can't I transcend and move on? Ok, I need to be done. I'll actually 'update' more later.
Grace and Peace to those I love.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

I took a bit out of my knuckle today whenever I was trying to make coleslaw. Blasted stuff. It's not so bad as it looked when it was all , but I kind of like showing off my little war wound.:-) I guess I'm weird like that. Ok, to update you on the rest of my week...Monday was a bad day, but it was probably in part because of my making it so with being distracted and sad. I finished 'The Silver Chair', though, and was very happy. The Narnia books are comfortable as an old pair of jeans. Used, but wonderful. I started with Silver Chair, read The Last Battle, and am now on Prince Caspian. Maybe I can make it five books in five days. Or maybe not.:-) Then yesterday, we went bowling and stuff after school, then I went over to Becca's to show her some pictures and just talk. It was lovely. And definitely a better day. The sun came out around 7 PM and was very happy. Whitney told me that she had been praying for peace, and right after that, she saw the sun come out, went outside, and had a rainbow. That one was for her.:-) I'm so glad she loves Jesus. So anyways, driving over to Becca's was wonderful, although I stayed 'too long'. Today was good as well. Happy, a little disconnected from things, so that may be why, but I'll come back down sooner or later. I feel better about going to the NHS thing, now that I've got some moral support. We had a good talk about literature and colleges and stuff whenever we were done discussing Russian history. So, it's been a grey, spacy day, but it's better than a dark, wallowy one. We'll see. I'm almost even getting used to Gary not being here. I'll be finding out about the Leadership Scholarship soon. Wish luck! Ok, youthgroup and supper now, although not necessarily in that order. This'll be sad, the Kisers' last service. ::sigh::
Grace and Peace to those I love.
Ok, wow. A birthday and several days later, I'm finally updating. But just a little. I have a bit of free time right now, so I figured I'd at least start, because otherwise, I wouldn't get any updating at all. Ok, so let's see...Grandad's out of the hospital, for one. I to say this, but it was almost nice to have a break for awhile. The bad thing was that mom was gone so much, so I had this anxious sort of 'wow, I'm in charge' thing going on. Then, on Thursday the 8th, I turned 17! Yay! Gary said it was my Maundy birthday. I finally found out/remembered what Maundy Thursday is, so I shall now enlighten you. Maundy Thursday commemorates the Last Supper and is the oldest of the days commemorating Holy Week. Woohoo for the Catholic Encyclopedia! Wow, I guess I really don't have alot of free time. But anyways, I went to school for a half day, got cards from Allison and Whitney, a journal from Kendra, and a shirt from Kia. Then Christin got me those uberawesome metallic balloons, but she had to bring them the next Monday. I love them.:-) I actually felt more excited and happy about this birthday because it wasn't such a milestone, and people were counting down to it. Hehe. Oh yes, Becca stopped by and gave me a memory gift. That was more than cool. Then Kenny and Becky called and I talked to my Gary friend for the last time that weekend.:-p So anyways, my Aunt Kay and Robin came that evening for Easter, and that was fun. I was actually intimidated that I wouldn't be able to relate to Robin because of some of her escapades that I knew about, but she's still as sweet and wonderful as ever. I love her. We hung out alot, and that was great. It's funny how I thought so much, and it all came to naught. Oh, and no, I didn't get to go see Gary. But in hindsight, that probably was very providential. So on Saturday, we got our maple tree cut down, and that was sad. I have so many memories with that tree, and now the yard's full of sawdust. Oh well. Hm...Easter was great, we went to church, came home and ate, hung out, then said goodbye to Aunt Kay and Robin. Maybe I'm weird, but I love it how Aunt Kay kisses me. It's very nice. She's so much like a second mom for some reason. And that's a good thing. Ok, then I hung out and did homework that evening, talked to Gary and Kenny, had sort of a bad thing with Gary, so I was all upset about that, but it should be fine now. We kind of got it worked out as best as was possible. That boy has such a unique way of thinking...and he's on an IM fast this week, so I miss him. Ok, this update has to be done, because I have to be gone. Ciao!
Grace and Peace to those I love.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Well, today got off to a great start. Devos were great, and the sun's out. Then, my grandfather fell in the hallway and had to go to the hospital, so things were thrown out of whack. I stayed home from school, and am now sort of aimlessly and sleepily wandering around. I have to stay awake to man the phone. Oh well. At least I can get some reading in. Still gotta work out the Gary thing. We'll see. ::sigh:: I hope this isn't the start to a bad week. Oh well. God is good. This will be part of my Spring Break that got taken away. Too bad I can't go anywhere. Maybe I'll go outside. I hope dad's in a good mood. Yah. Ok, ciao!
Grace and Peace to those I love.

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